Well, it’s been roughly 430 days since I last posted here about the Cubs. What did I miss? Let’s see, there was a lot of noise last year, as the Cubs successfully defeated lots of miserable National League clubs (SD, Pirates, Milwaukee, Houston, etc) and they made it to the playoffs.
And then the Dodgers just swept them aside. The Cubs weren’t even competitive. Imagine a lazy and overweight dog attacking a crocodile. I refused to watch most of the playoff struggle because I didn’t want to watch the dog get eaten.
Now we are in 2009, and my interest in the Cubs was at such a low that I didn’t even bother doing my 25 man roster rundown. But I guess I should, just for the sake of history. Here’s what the squad looks like as of today….
Ted Lilly – not a bad starter. I can’t say too much bad about Lilly except that it would be better if he was surrounded by a better squad. He’d be great for a contender.
Randy Wells – well here is someone new. Lots of hope and praise. Good luck. Best advice to Randy: relocate soon.
David Patton – no comment, not going to help.
Kevin Gregg – I predict a difficult time, strictly because he is with the Cubs. Just like Maddux, I can see this guy having fantastic success later in his career….in Atlanta.
Carlos Marmol – here is Uncle Lou’s favorite guy to love and hate. Don’t count on this guy in the clutch. He will get some decent numbers, but just like Sammy Soso, they’re not when it matters. He looks scared even when he’s going out to dinner on Rush Street.
Jose Ascanio – Obviously I’m not a fan, never heard of this one. Next.
Jason Waddell – Yawn.
Aaron Heilman – Aaron Who’s The Man?
Angel Guzman – (crickets chirp)
Ryan Dempster – a very good pitcher and a great pitcher at Wrigley. He is a winner, a few difficulties on the road but still above average. He just can’t carry the whole team.
Sean Marshall – Average to above average. Here’s another one that might be losing some potential due to The Goat.
Big Zzzzz – Yes, the best for last. A very high quality pitcher who is not going to win a World Series ring. No crying in baseball. Cub fans love this guy (picked-up a bunch of fans from the Cheating Soso) and that’s why I don’t like Cub fans. Don’t blame the umps just because your team can’t win consistently. Stop being so upset, whether you win or lose. Stop pointing at the clouds. Drop 50% of the emotion or go buy 50% more lipstick. What a girl. No ring for such an emotional wreck.
Koyie Hill – Who? Why am I doing this?
Mike Fontenot – here is a good baseball player. He would be a real help to a team late in the season. Run Mike, find a new home.
Ryan Theriot – The Riot, for me the best out of the 25 players. This is a quality baseball player, very good numbers, good attitude, and clutch in more than one game I’ve seen. Another example of how a good player can’t replace a good team.
Milton Bradley – another emotional mess, named after a game company. Here is the real jinx Cub fans: you will not win a championship with a man named after a boardgame company on your 25 man roster. He’s struggled here anyway, and even if he didn’t, he’s just not that much. Certainly a clubhouse distraction.
Bobby Scales – Rookie. Helped some, but not much. Not very clutch.
Fukodome – better than last year but still a buster. Big part of the loss last year, helping secure more nothingness this year.
Reed Johnson – sometimes surprising. Average player that can play exceptionally, and can definitely hit in some clutch situations. And can play some great defense! Surprise here, but too often the result is purely average.
Aaron Miles – ??? Not good.
Derek Lee – I know he has some success, including a ring. I’m not a fan. He’s a drag for the team. I know, I know — he’s a cornerstone. Not for me.
Andres Blanco – back-up catcher, automatic out.
Micah Hoffpaiuer – I didn’t spell his name correctly. On purpose. Another out.
The Fonze Soriano – Lots of homers, lots of noise. But I don’t see him on a winning squad. Very similar to Sammy Soso. Left behind by the Yankees for a reason.
Geovany Soto – hurt early, but a very good player. Exceptional catcher. Nothing really to complain about here.
That’s it! That is the 25 man roster as of today, June 10th 2009. Too bad. Some good talent, but definitely not enough to get the job done. Dodgers are better even with the Manny disgrace. Mets would win in 7 games, maybe even the Marlins. Cardinals late in the year would probably beat the Cubs as well. Even if they did get to the World Series, they wouldn’t beat Boston or the Yankees or most any American League team for that matter.
Sorry Cub fans, but Cub Doom is rolling stronger than ever. Year 101 is ready to go into the futility archives. Nothing new.